So pretty much, I'm the biggest Warhammer 40K fan on this Wiki that ever will be.
Fuck your Regular, Swords, spears, magic (Which is HERESY I might add)...I have Chainswords, Power Swords, Bolters, Lasguns, Power Axes, Heavy Bolters and all kinds of weaponry that will make you shit your pants.
Ok, I have Elite Space Marines with Genetic enhancements and EXTRA ORGANS....These badasses have 2 hearts and 3 lungs and alot more. I have Imperial Guards who are Equipped with Lasguns that can Take off a mans arm at 50 yards and Flak Armor that can take Shrapnel like a PRO! But the Guards still die En Masse due to their enemys being Horrific creatures that will either Tear you in half and eat your very soul or rape you THEN tear you in half and eat your very soul.
We have the Death Korps of Krieg
The Death Korps of Krieg, the most Grimdark of Grimdark
The Death Korps of Krieg is an Imperial Guard unit which hails from the planet of Krieg. They like entrenchments and gasmasks and are know for their iron discipline and suicidal tolerance for casualties. In fact they will take any objective/vanquish any enemy as long they have enough men to throw in the meatgrinder. What's the difference between other Guard units you ask? Those motherfuckers don't even give a shit. They're some sort of badass human lemmings.
Also, forgeworld has models that cost approximately 3 souls of firstborn children each, but you knew that already. Also also, Krieg means god damn WAR in German.
The inhabitants of Krieg are mad sorry for their disgraceful past and try to make up for it by being the baddest motherfuckers since the Empra himself. In fact they've been so successful in producing hardass guardsmen that the Adeptus Mechanicus Biologis gave them some pills that make their women hornier and more fertile, so that they can produce even more top notch cannon fodder, which is important, because Krieg is a radioactive shithole, and most of them are sterile. So sterile that most Kriegers are born of complex gene-cloning. Their society is _absolutely_ militarized. Children are being born only to be filled with the guilt of their ancestors, trained and sent to die for their Emperor. Contrary to other less
brainwashed loyal units they're truly happy to do so and would die with a smile on their lips for the glory of the Emperor, if they'd ever smile. Seriously, those guys are like stone cold. You'd rather chat with a necron than a Krieg trooper. They don't even have names. They're for example called Trooper #1337 or Major Alpha both to underscore what expendable clones they are and because they don't give a flying fuck about anything else than marching, dying gloriously and shooting heretics in the head. (Fluff dependent, McNeill and Mitchell portray them as stoic to the point of being cold but still personal whereas Steve Lyons depicted them as described as the near drone-like automata) As such gung-ho individuals they technically don't even have the need for commissars, since their deserting rate is practically zero and the officers (and probably even the regular troopers) will happily execute their soldiers themselves if need occurs. Commissars that are sent their way are usually sent in to say "Captain I know you want to charge in and stab those Orks in the face with bayonets, but if you do that maybe one in ten is getting out of there alive. The Emperor needs you alive and we are going to goddamn wait until a situation comes where we can have enough survivors for the next battle and if you order a charge, it's blamming time for you."
A surprising degree of bio and cybernetic enhancements also appear to be common amongst Kriegers, which while taking away from their raw awesomeness, should give you idea of how high of esteem the Imperium holds the Death Korps.
The Munitorium has a hard on for these guys because unlike guardsmen from other places they always obey orders to the letter, even
especially when it means dying in droves.
So yea, being a Guardsman sucks ass, but luckely they have giant fuckoff tanks so...It evens out.
Cadian Shock Troopers
First and foremost, the finest (and perhaps most numerous) breed of the Imperial Guard are born, trained, and live on Cadia. You see the Cadian as the common model for your generic, garden variety guardsmen figurine, and as such they are the most easily recognized. They fight tenaciously for the Empra and die with the same degree of vigor. Manliness is never in short order here on Cadia, making it one of the most awesome planets around.
Their elite troops are the Kasrkins, basically the elite of the elite of the Guard. Only SPESS MEHREENS are better. But the Kasrkin are probably scarier than the Spess Mehreens anyway, because they do about the same on the battlefield, without wearing a concrete wall on every inch of their body and not having mini-rocket launcher guns, no, they're just humans with balls of steel, both of which have their own pair of balls of steel. To be fair though, they get shit done while wearing cardboard instead of the Guardsman's toilet paper, and they use pewpewpew Hellguns that shoot a lot more light than the Guardsman's flashlight.
CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!!!!!! This article has infiltrated your computer. You just got tactical geniused.
"IT IS THE BEEEEEINNNBLEEEEHHDDDEEEE!" ~ Captain Diomedes of the Blood Ravens.
The Baneblade is a big fucking Imperial tank Warhammer 40,000 universe, known generally for an impressive arsenal (OF GUNS), and disappearing en masse. Besides looking totally kickass, it stomps a lot of ass too. It is supposedly one of the oldest and largest tank designs used by the Imperium, despite that it's actually medium-sized according to the old Epic fluff. Then again, the "big" tanks in Epic were closer to moving, gun-mounting cathedrals. This is an actual tank. A manly tank. The manly tank.
In the Dawn of War PC game the Baneblade is the IG super-heavy unit, equivalent to the Chaos Bloodthirster Daemon, or Eldar's Avatar of Khaine. Only it's better because instead of a winged Daemon cow or a big flaming homosexual in a loincloth, it's a fucking giant tank. It is literally the best of these master units in the game, and it will go toe-to-toe with any other such unit and kill them before they kill it. Every time.
Its a well known fact that the crew members of Baneblades are chosen exclusively on the grounds of how big their balls are. This makes them able to shout "Failure is the weakness of the enemy!" "Releasing ELEVEN barrels of hell!" and "All guardsmen, Follow ME to GLOOREEEEY!" and being the only badass non-Hero unit in the entire Imperial Guard.
Not alot of people know this but I HATE...FUCKING....HAAAATE...Avatar.
- James Cameron John Connor Jack Dawson Jake Sullivan Semaj Noremac: A not-at-all self-insert character who is a cripple and finds his brother has died and left him a Second Life account, allowing him to live vicariously as a furry abomination in a magical fantasy land where he can bone barnyard animals with his hair. Sent to tell the local abominations to pack up and move to a different tree since the only mineral deposit on the planet happens to be under their current one, he proceeds to totally fail to do so, lie to everyone, get half of them killed avoidably, and then be forgiven for it after capturing a legendary Pokemon.
- Colonel Milhouse Quidditch: Three-times world coffee drinking champion and Earth's top racist, sent to yell incoherently and blow things up. The unsung hero.
- Useless evil corporate guy: A greedy executive who wants to get to the huge reserve of plotdevicium which for no adequately defined reason cannot be mined without cutting down a large tree, as sub-surface mining techniques are apparently impossible.
- Useless scientist and Useless helicopter pilot: Two female characters who exist to be awestruck by the furries and their respect for all life, since placing yourself in the middle of the food chain is noble and beautiful and not, for instance, incredibly dumb. One is the classic Hollywood woman scientist character who still has a job despite not once doing anything useful for the people who employ her and generally actively acting against their interests. The other is a helicopter pilot, who, although a heretical traitor, actually is competent at her job and kicks a decent amount of ass has nice tits. She pulls a tactical genius moment at one point, but fucks it up by not using all of her dakka. When they are done being awestruck they are both struck in a more traditional manner and die.
- Pocahontas cat: A blue cat-thing who has been taught the arts of self-righteous speechifying and being perfect and noble from a young age. There for Semaj Noremac to fuck.
- Angry cat: A scowly, growly cat-thing who is set up to marry Pocahontas cat, and glares at Semaj Noremac a lot. Would normally betray his people out of jealousy only to to be killed by the people he was trying to help to show how evil they are, but this was clearly not perfect enough for the blue cat-abominations and so he just glares at stuff and then later stops.
- Pocahontas cat's parents: Exist to stand around being wise and vaguely judgmental towards humans. Their only real function is for one of them to get killed to show how mean the humans are and make Pocahontas cat angry at Semaj Noremac, and the other to spout exposition about Their Ways.
- Other cat-abominations: Many lanky cat-creatures who are strong and mighty and noble, and never fight among themselves, have diseases and parasites they have no idea how to cure, ostracize people for no real reason, or anything mean. In other words, native culture put on an impossibly high pedestal as part of a ridiculous attempt to apologize for the entire colonial era by defeating a bunch of pretend white people evil humans. The cats are magically linked together by their USB hair into a giant biological internet; like the real internet, it hates them and lets giant doom-animals try to eat them constantly. This largely serves the function of preventing them being impressed with the white man's human technology like real people would be.
- Stupid Deus Ex Machina: The living spirit of the planet which shows up one second before the movie ends to kill the humans with a bunch of large animals despite the entire preceding film being very clear that it does not do this.
THINGS THAT ROCK
There are no intentional cases of things that rock, because this movie is shit. However, some things rock accidentally.
- Giant monsters that eat ten foot tall Na'vi warriors for breakfast.
- Large amounts of furries slaughtered like livestock.
- Colonel Miles Quaritch is a Hero of the Imperium who kills furries and doesn't afraid of anything.
- He also has a giant flying heap of guns that looks like the product of a Baneblade fucking a Tau Hammerhead, which manages to be cool despite having four huge, stupidly exposed weak points.
- Semaj almost certainly poopsocks himself into an early, well-deserved grave while frolicking around in his abomination form and ignoring his human one.
- It made idiots want to kill themselves because Earth is like lame and stuff and humans are all mean. This may have decreased the global level of idiocy slightly if any of them went through with it.
- Hilarity and much trolling ensued as people went to otherkin boards and insisted they were truly Na'vi, leading to ridiculous threads where people stated that one cannot really be a fictional creature, which is totally unlike thinking you're a nine-dicked lazer space dragon
THINGS THAT SUCK.
- Another blatant James Cameron self-insert. Seriously, "Jack Dawson?" "Jake Sullivan?" "James Cameron?" Who the fuck does he think he's fooling?
- Oh god not another "save the environment" story. This is Disney's Pocahontas and Kevin Costner's "Dances with Wolves" as performed by Blue Man Group.
- Rubbish mechs that don't have gun arms. According to fluff this is because they are used as loaders, because militaries often use armoured forklifts which they also send into battle. Oh wait. To the movie's defense, however, one of these mechs are still more awsome than ten Baby Carriers.
- The Na'vi screw with their hair. They also stick their screwing hair into animals while they ride. By Slaanesh, yes, in addition to being furries, the Na'vi are also into bestiality.
- Every marine who isn't Semaj Noremac or his pilot is an evil, despicable, racist hick who only makes the situation worse as they serve CORPORATE GREED. It should be noted that it is not CORPORATE GREED to piss away half a billion dollars making a movie about your dumb fursona rather than, say, using it to feed poor people.
- Blue elves are better than humans? Fuck you, James Cameron, you xenos lover.
- Xenos love? That's EXTRA HERETICAL! And it wasn't even sexy xenos love, such as between two Eldar chicks or the alien LI's from SWTOR and Mass Effect.
- Unforgivable lack of orbital bombardment or nukes or any semi-intelligent military tactics. You could spend a lot of fuel and manpower engaging the enemy in melee, or you could call in an artillery strike and dig the natural resources out later; it's a war crime either way, go big or go home.
- No tactical genius whatsoever. I mean, who charges a fucking gun line with cavalry armed with bows and arrows? Despite being the brainless savages that they are, they had no excuse because the guy leading them was an ex-Marine turned heretic.
- All the vehicles appear to have been made by the Dark Eldar with their trademark wet cardboard armor plating, even high-tech gunships can't withstand the power of simple wooden arrows. This is due to BRILLIANT design such as thin, unarmoured glass canopies and huge, unshrouded engine fans. Seriously, these things are designed like videogame bosses. This is because of the ludicrously contrived scenario, which is essentially defined as "this planet prevents us using anything that would mean we'd easily win."
- The art design for the humans is stolen shamelessly from the Halo series - seriously, for example compare the Hornet from Halo 3 with any air vehicle from Avatar. Ya see?
- Replace "blue alien" with "colored guy" shows how incredibly racist the movie is; see, only white people need things like written language and everyone else was happier before white man came along with his filthy civilization (protip: you're supposed to not know that sophisticated non-Western societies have ever existed, and that even the most primitive human cultures would think of the Na'vi as backward, shit-chucking apes). Good thing the director's white self-insert is there to save the stupid primitive people by mastering their ancient traditions better than any of them can within a couple of months.
- The film insinuates that xenocide is bad. However, we all know what must be done with the horrid offshoots of space elves and furries.
- The unobtainable mineral that the marines want is called unobtainium. I dare you to come up with more retarded name.
- 3 in a half hours of fur faggots in 3d is still 3 in a half hours of fur faggots
Allow me to end this with a list of Heroes Of the Imperium:
- Commissar Ciaphas Cain, protagonist of a series of novel (that includes the book named "Hero of the Imperium")
- Lord Castellan Ursakar E. Creed. Come on, he's such a Tactical genius he can scout TITANS behind a fuckin' fence and defeated Tzeentch in a chess game.
- Colonel Miles Quaritch, from Avatar. SRSLY, he was sent to this fuckaway planet in order to get a nearly-impossible obtainable mineral. And he'd almost did it, but some faggy xeno-lovers decided to betray him and the Holy Terra.